Ever have one of those dreams where you wake up and your heart is racing and it takes a few moments to realize you are back in reality.  Well, this reality.  I sometimes wonder if sometimes our dreams aren’t really dreams, but another reality.  Lately, this reality has been a little bit easier to deal with than my dreams.

Last night, I was in a known haunted place where I was seeking evil spirits.  My friend tells me that demons/evil spirits in dreams are your demons.  A recent dream had my demons attacking me, trying to kill me.  It was very bloody.  Last night, I was seeking them out.  I had almost found one when I decided to leave that room and go outside.

Upon going outside, I was making something for 2 wasps per pole could go into it and it was like some kind of contraption (no clue) when suddenly, a very light beige/white scorpion appeared on the pole.   At first, I was slightly scared and then I magically had a hoe in my hands and knocked it off the pole to the ground.

I proceeded to hack the shit out of that scorpion and killed it.  I was then awoken by my boyfriend.  My heart was racing.  

Upon looking up the meaning of killing a scorpion, it is generally a good omen meaning positive things are coming my way, that good luck is coming.  It means it is time to work on new projects, which is what I’m doing with this website.

So, I hope it’s true.  I have had so many not great things happening to me, I am seriously surprised that I’m not dead. 
For Real.
 

The Background

I got my 2nd DUI sometime in March.  I finally got sentenced at the end of June.  But, I have been in therapy since 5 days after my DUI.  Confronting this DUI has not been easy, but I believe in my heart, my soul and my mind that everything happens for a reason.  I’m not gonna lie….accepting that all this happened for a reason has been a struggle.

In Colorado, a 2nd DUI comes with a minimum of 10 days of jail.

Seriously?

I was surprised to be honest with you.  Isn’t losing your license enough and probation and everything?  Luckily, most people don’t actually go to jail and they can get a jail alternative, like work release or home monitoring.

The Sentence

I got the minimum home monitoring of 10 days.  At the end of it, will only be 8.5 days.  Now, I’m going to talk about how incredibly stupid this is and then tell you how it changed me.

So, I’m on house arrest as I type this.  I’m on calendar Day 4, timewise Day 3.  What kills me about all this is that I could be drinking at home.  You can leave your home during the agreed upon schedule and up to 12 hours a day.  I have an RF monitor that only tracks when I leave and return from my home.  I could be drunk this entire time (I’m not, I’m using this time as a good preview for when I am on forced sobriety) but I could be and the legal system wouldn’t know. 

So, I ask you, what point does this serve?  Especially to someone who prefers the solitude of her home anyway!!

They have alcohol monitors.  Doesn’t it make more sense to have me on that then 8 days vacation in my home being with my cat and having alot of sex with boyfriend?  This is how backwards our laws are.  How backwards the people who make the rules are.  They really have no clue the reality of what they put into law.

The Outcome

Now, with all that said, turns out this made me the happiest I have been in awhile.

I’m glad this happened now versus 3.5 months ago when I was a wreck.  During the 3.5 months, I have processed through the abuse and the reasons why I drink and got on anti-depressants.  I worked through alot of triggers and worked through alot of depression.

4 days into this “sentence”, here is what happened:

  • First, I immediately wanted to go out Wednesday night because now I couldn’t.
  • Second, I got irritated and angry about how incredibly stupid this is and truly does not serve any purpose in regards to helping you not drink and drive.
  • Third, I had a complete and total meltdown/panic attack.
  • Then, I let go and accepted.
    • I have been more productive in my house than I have been in a very long time.  I started working on my writing.  I confronted the not-so-easy job of getting my website going (yes, this website). 

Today, as I was confronting the technical challenges and worked through them, I suddenly realized that I was enjoying myself!  Truly, for real, no lie – enjoying myself.

My entire life I have felt an incredible sense of responsibility and burden.  Need to do this, go here, run that errand.  Once the freedom of getting out of the house was taken away and I got through the first 3 stages, I suddenly felt free.  Free to work on my home projects.  Free to not be going out and spending money.  Free to get back in touch with my creative side.  Granted I wouldn’t want to do this forever, but holy shit, it sure feels good to be happy again.

I never ever would have thought that house arrest would find me at my happiest I have been since before my first abuser 14 years ago.  For 14 years, I have been going through the motions of life.  Drinking alot of my time and life away because the lack of joy I felt was unbearable.

After getting out of the 2nd most abusive relationship of my life and having everything destroyed inside me to the point where I was planning out my assets so I can end my life and feel good about my things, to feel like this is truly an incredible feeling.  To enjoy my day, to be happy about what I accomplished and not have it buried with a layer of depression (ok, there might still be a little bit of that layer), but this is truly incredible.

I still want to go across the street and can’t wait for July the 12th, but god damn I’m going to enjoy every moment of a life free from obligation for the next 5 calendar days.

Most Common Topics

  • Domestic Violence
  • How to survive on this planet
  • Damn, I got a 2nd DUI
  • Cooking
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  • Yes, Productivity!!
  • I don’t work for Corp America!
  • ADHD, Anxiety, Depression

Welcome to my Blog


No topic is forbidden!

I have alot of things on my mind and I have alot of things going on my life.  This blog is for me to document my random deep thoughts on anything and everything.  Some of what I write might offend, and some of what I write might inspire.  Like a strange looking food, don’t knock it until you read it!